


To Forgive -Betrayal-

by OniZenmaru



Series: Tales of a Ghoulish Life [6]
Category: Tales of Xillia
Genre: Blood and Gore, Crossover, M/M, Spoilers, cannibalism mention, the usual Tokyo Goul warnings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-26
Updated: 2015-12-26
Packaged: 2018-05-09 12:08:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5539430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OniZenmaru/pseuds/OniZenmaru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There were a lot of things he could forgive Alvin for, but this wasn’t one of them</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Forgive -Betrayal-

**Author's Note:**

> Because there have to be some consequences for what Alvin did to Jude (and I do love the man angsting). So in short, I am terrible

Sometimes Jude thinks everything is normal, that he’s all right and that nothing is amiss. Every time he thought this, his mind screams at him, reminding him that everything was a mistake, that he wasn’t supposed to be living his life in such a way.

It was the truth, and it made him sick to his stomach.

When alone with his thoughts, he think about the life he could’ve had, the _normal_ life that was taken away from him. It was all taken to him so quickly, and sometimes Jude thinks it was all a dream. But when he awakens to a unnatural hunger clawing at his very being, he knew that the horror he’d suffered was very real.

At least he had Alvin with him, because he seriously didn’t think he could’ve kept himself grounded if not for him. The two days he had locked himself in his apartment, a hunger that he’d never felt before plaguing him, he had been so scared. He was a logical person, and there had been no logical reason for him to find the food he’d enjoyed previously repulsive, no reason for his eye to look the way it did as he craved for an unknown something.

Holding himself up in his apartment until he had answers was his only option, the more he tried to ignore the stranger hunger, the worse it became. His mind clouded over with a desire so strong that it was all he could think about: eat, _eat, **eat**_. Despite how much he wanted to keep himself together, some part of is mind kept telling him that he had turned into something monstrous, because the hunger he felt wasn’t normal.

The feeling seemed to heighten his senses, because he could smell that someone had entered his apartment, and their mere presence had cause his mind to going into a tailspin. He didn’t recall what happened after he heared a voice addressing him, but he did remember waking up to the taste of something pleasant. When he noticed that the stranger’s arm was bleeding, a very clear bite mark on it, Jude quickly figured out what the taste in his mouth was.

When told what he needed to satiate the hunger that he plagued him so, Jude knew he had become a monster, the same monsters he had only heard about on the TV. After being told what he needed to do to live, Jude didn’t want to be alone, so he begged a complete stranger to stay with him, and had thing been right with the world he would’ve thought himself crazy for doing so. He was given an odd look by the stranger, but in the end he stayed with him.

Alvin would come and go as he pleased, and Jude never questioned it since he felt it was the older man’s business. Sometimes Alvin would return with a large amount of coffee and ‘meat’, and despite being told that he needed to eat in order to keep himself from going out of control, he was still very reluctant to do so. Even if had knew he was a monster, he didn’t accept it, and Jude knew the moment he consumed the flesh of another, what humanity he had left would be no more.

It always seemed to irk Alvin whenever he brought up the human part of him, the _real_ him, but he never said anything about it. It was about a month before Jude could bring himself to leave his apartment, and even if he was happen to see his friends back at college, he knew things would be different. To keep himself busy, Jude took up a part time job at the cafe Alvin always brought coffee from, and he found that juggling school and work took his mind off how screwed up things were.

At the very least, he found that ghouls weren’t all the ruthless killers the media made them out to be; there were actually a few that seemed to be against attacking humans, and lived fairly ‘normal’ lives. For instance, his co-worker Ludger just wanted to help his brother pay for their living expenses, as well as save a bit so he could go to culinary school. Ludger was a nice guy, but even if he wanted to confide in him about how much he hated is situation, he couldn’t.

Even if they had only been half ghouls, the two of them were completely different. This was driven home when Jude slipped up once in his hunger stricken state, had asked Ludger how he could bare living such an existence. His co-worker had gently set down the cup of coffee in his hands, and with a strained smile told him something that had struck Jude to the core.

_‘Because I don’t have a choice but to. I was born a monster, unlike you who was made one.’_

He never brought up the subject with Ludger again.

During the months he was adjusting to his abnormal life, Jude couldn’t help but begin to really notice Alvin. He found himself beginning to slowly fall for the man that had saved him from himself, and Jude had to take the time to figure out if that was truly what he wanted. He didn’t want to fall for Alvin because he had helped him out, he wanted to liked Alvin for Alvin. The moment he had pin the older man to the wall, lips coming to roughly crush against his, that he knew that his affection ran deeper than just seeing Alvin as his savior.

He was happy with the progression of their relationship, Jude couldn’t help but notice how guilty Alvin looked sometimes. The desire to ask what was troubling him was always on the tip of his tongue, but something always stopped him from doing so. Some part of him wanted Alvin to confide in him on his own, but another told him that something was very off about the older man not wanting to tell him anything. Despite how conflicted he felt, Jude decided to put the issue on the back burner until he dealt with a far bigger issue.

Ever since becoming half ghoul, Jude had wanted answers as to why it had happened in the first place, so as soon as he became accustomed to his new life, the first thing he did was investigate the matter. He hadn’t recalled the attack that had landed him in the hospital, so he decided to look into the hospital itself. Strangely enough, they wouldn’t release his records to him, and when he questioned why, he was never given a proper answer. It was beyond suspicious, and it soon became clear to Jude that he needed the help of someone who held more power than he did.

Surprisingly, it was Alvin who offered to assist him, though the entire time Jude couldn’t help but notice that the older man seemed reluctant to do so. It had taken some time, but Jude found out a few startling things about his operation; for one he was given an organ transplant, but his file never stated what organ was placed inside of him. Secondly, the doctor that had performed the operation on him was _his own father_ , which was strange on its own since he shouldn’t have had any medical business within the city.

The deeper he dug, the more questions began to rise, but one thing was sure: he needed to meet with his father. After calling up his mother, he found that the man hadn’t been home in a while, which wasn’t all that strange until Jude began to think about how often his father would leave the house. It always for a month or two, and Jude had never questioned where the man went since he figured it had something to do with his work as a doctor. After everything that had happened to him, Jude began to seriously doubt that conclusion.

The closer he got to finding finding his father, the more hostile ghouls he met. Even though Jude was opposed to fighting, he refused to let anything get in his way, not when he was so close to getting his answer. He and Alvin had managed to track his father down to an abandoned mansion on the outskirts of the city, and upon arriving, found that there was more to it than just a rundown building. Once inside, they managed to find a hidden basement that led to what looked a research facility, and upon seeing test tub after test tube of of things that barely resembled humans, Jude felt sick.

Was his father...truly behind such terrible things? Instead of letting the thought consume him, Jude kept going, knowing that if he wanted to know what his father was thinking, he needed to speak to him. Upon arriving at what looked like the door to the main research room, Alvin quickly grabbed his wrist before he could open the door, asking if he was really to deal with what was waiting for him on the other side.

As much as he wanted to say ‘yes’ right away, he hesitated because of the looks Alvin had given him.Pain...the older man looked like he was in pain. Honestly, he wasn’t sure if he was ready to hear the truth, but Jude knew that he needed to. So he placed his hand atop Alvin’s and told him that whatever happened, they’d face it together. His words seemed to only make Alvin’s disposition worse.

Upon entering the room, Jude’s eyes widened at the sight of his father standing in front of a large test tube, the occupant inside completely unknown to him. He could barely contain himself, and he bombarded the man with questions, like why he had turned him into a ghoul, and what purpose it served.

“Evolution, Jude.” Is all his father says before two men join him, and Jude is utterly confused.

The man on his father’s right was dressed in blue, his sharp gaze bores into Jude like he’s lower than dirt. The man on the right is dressed in red, and he can’t help but think that he looks familiar. From the smell in the air, Jude can tell that his father is the only human in the room, so he quickly questions if his father is being used against his will.

“Oh no, Doctor Mathis is here of his own free will,” The man in red speaks as he his looks shifts between Jude and his father, “You see, we have similar interests, your father and I, so it was only natural we work together.”

“...'Similar interests'...?” Jude questions, because he finds it hard to believe that his own father would share whatever twisted thoughts that man had.

“Of course. Your father had written a very interesting paper on the possibility of a ghoul-human hybrid being the next step in evolution, and having had a hand in producing one myself, he chose to work for me.”

Upon asking what he meant by ‘producing’, Jude was given a sour look by the man. He’s then told that the man once had a human wife that had given birth birth to a half ghoul, but upon learning his intentions for the child, she had fled. After hearing this, Jude is suddenly struck with a sudden realization...the man looks like Julius, and most certainly shared the same hair color as Ludger. The man clad in red must have been their father, and he is suddenly very worried for the brothers.

“Unfortunately by the time I caught up with her, she had sent the child away. We’re still in the process of looking for them, and I’m sure we’ll find them soon. But for now, Doctor Mathis and I have been working hard to perfect a procedure that was performed on you, you should feel lucky since the success rate is rater low.”

“I’m sorry Jude...but this was for the greater good.”

The greater...good? How could his father even say that? Making others suffer seemed the exact opposite of the greater good, and and more than anything it went against everything that made his father a doctor. It disgusted him, and in order to not say the wrong thing, he directs his attention to the man that hadn’t spoken a word yet.

“And what’s your role in all of this..?” Jude questions, voice tight as he tries to stay calm enough to assess the situation.

“Me? Someone has to do the dirty work. If not kidnapping, then killing, causing ‘accidents’, anything to get more bodies to use.” The man smirks, and Jude’s stomach lurches.

“Than it was you who-”

“Who attacked you? Oh, I see...you still don’t know.”

“Gilland that’s enough.” He hears Alvin hiss out, and Jude can’t help but snap his head in his direction.

“Well you see boy, my dear nephew here-”

“ _Gilland_ -!”

“Was the one who attacked you. I was rather surprised at how easily he agreed to do so, in fact, he didn’t ask for anything in return.”

The world around him begins to slow, and for a moment Jude doesn’t believe that this is all really happening. Maybe this is all a dream, and he’ll wake up to Alvin teasing him about not getting enough sleep. Alvin bringing him coffee whenever he had forgotten to eat. Alvin telling him that things would find a way to work out. Alvin holding him closely. Alvin kissing him. Alvin. Alvin. Alvin. Alvin. Alvin.

Alvin...is a _**liar**_.

Jude is still numb the moment he feels a frantic hand on his shoulder, and his mind is so abuzz that all he can make out is a voice telling him that someone is ‘coming’. As his body is tugged in a random direction, Jude begins to question everything he knew about Alvin...only to realize that he didn’t know Alvin. The older man is a complete mystery that had walked into his life exactly when he had needed it, and Jude felt like a fool for not feeling suspicious of Alvin. In fact, his heart aches as he thinks back to all the times he should’ve questioned Alvin’s behavior, and the more he thinks about it, the more he begins to hate himself.

But more than hate for himself, the emotion that tugged at very fiber of Jude’s being is rage. Upon noticing that he has stopped moving, Jude looks up at Alvin as the man leans against against a wall. He has enough sense to make out that they’re in some kind of alleyway, and his confused look seems to prompt Alvin to tell him that the ghoul investigator had broken in, and if they didn’t run they would’ve been killed.

Jude just stares blankly at him, and upon being asked if he’s all right, something in Jude just snaps.

“...No...I’m not...”

The first time Jude has used to kagune, it had felt painful, alien to him, but now as he wills it out of his lower back, it feels completely...natural. The first strike knocks Alvin against a wall, and the second pierces the man’s side. Alvin lets out a strangled scream, and Jude doesn’t even bat an eyelash as he slams his fist into the man’s jaw. He knows very well that because he’s a part ghoul that his strength is abnormal, but it doesn’t stop him from unleashing everything he can muster up on Alvin.

He doesn’t hold back a single punch, kick, or stab with his kagune...and yet...

“ _Why_...” Jude’s voice is ragged as he speaks, body straddling Alvin’s as he readies is fist for another punch, “ _Why aren’t you fighting back_...?”

Alvin, bloody and bruised, gives him a pained look before turning his head, seemingly unable to hold his gaze any longer.

“There’s no way I can simply say ‘I’m sorry’ for this, so I figured having you take my life would be a decent apology...”

The explanation causes him to grit his teeth, and as he brings his fist to the older man’s face, he knows it lacks the intensity from before. At some point, Jude finally notices the wetness on his cheeks, and before long, Jude is sobbing as he finally brings his fists to his side.

“Did you even love me? Or was that all a lie too-?”

“I never lied about that, _never_. I...I’m a piece of shit, Jude, and I’ve done terrible things to you, things that made me completely undeserving of you, but...please know that none of that was fake...”

And that’s the thing that made everything so difficult, because Jude believed him, knew that deep down that no matter how much Alvin lied, he’d never lie about something like that. It takes him a moment to gather himself, and once he does, Jude grabs the older man by the shoulders and pulls him up. Pressing their foreheads together, Jude speaks.

“I can never forgive you for what you’ve done...but we started this together, so we’re going to see this through till the end, Alvin...”


End file.
